i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
