dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i think my mom watched the whole time
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
