my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
