somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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