i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
