Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Dicks are not precious.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
