Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
