your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
