just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
