when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
