Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
