I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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