we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
