My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
