ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
