I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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