apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
