dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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