theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
