so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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