I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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