I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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