there was a trapeze. enough said
He felt like a one man threesome
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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