I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
