The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
When did we convert life to cartoon?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
