Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
