First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
