no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
