I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
