Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize
