i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
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