Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
