Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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