I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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