my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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