I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
