i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
