You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
