I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
