I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize