Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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