i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
