You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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