He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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