i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
