I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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