I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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