Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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