I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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