sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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