okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
