So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
