you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
