i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
