I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
