also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
