Me too!
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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