Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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